


Keith's Parasol

by Sidi



Series: Parasol and Extras [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Awesome Pidge, Body Shots, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Drunk Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gay Lance (Voltron), Homophobia, I'm Sorry Keith, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith is my angst muse, Korean Keith (Voltron), M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Self-Hatred, Started before Season 2, Understatement, klance, light drugs, regrettable decisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 04:02:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10070588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidi/pseuds/Sidi
Summary: Keith wasn't always a bad person.





	1. Boiling Point

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is actually another one of my fics from the POV of Keith. It technically is readable without having read Parasol, but would probably be better if read during/after/with Parasol.  
> The link to Parasol is in the Series link above. 
> 
> Also, this was started before Season 2 so pretend like Father Kogane as he is in the show doesn't exist. Also, Keith is still Korean in this. 
> 
> Also, heed the tags and if you want me to clarify any potential triggers or situations then let me know in the comments.

For all Keith later reads about “feeling funny,” denial, shame, guilt, disgust, or fear, the initial feelings that he feels are pure and natural. He is a child like any other who loves his friends, likes school, spends entire afternoons riding his bike, and gives his parents hugs every morning before going to school. He also watches movies sometimes and feels drawn to the heroes, the princes, rather than the princesses. He wants to be Jasmine in _Aladdin_ , not be with her. He imagines dating Spider-man, not Mary Jane.

There is no fear or shame or negativity at this point-he is just himself.

He makes friends at school, boys and girls, and when the others in his classes start dating each other, he realizes that he wants to date his male best friend. _Wouldn’t it be nice to hold his hand?_ Being with him makes his chest feel warm, a nice warmth that is comforting and safe.  

One day, after beating a particularly difficult boss at the end of some dungeon in some RPG game, he leans over, hugs his friend, and kisses him briefly on the mouth. The friend jerks away and says he needs to go home. Keith shrugs it off and continues playing.

The next day, there is a phone call. His parents sit him down and ask him how he feels about the friend and Keith is honest. He doesn’t even really know what being gay is and has never experienced homophobia either. He doesn’t comprehend the larger forces at work here beyond just trusting what is in his heart.  

His parents’ reaction stuns him. Their anger and disgust are palpable. He is told his feelings are wrong, unnatural. That this is unacceptable. They tell him he is confused and that he just needs to date some girls.

It is the first step into a long, slow spiral into darkness for Keith. The first time he feels like something is wrong with him. The first time a crack appears in his happy little existence.

He googles “Is homosexuality wrong?” and finds many results. Some websites say it is fine. But there are others that pop up on the front page of google that say otherwise. 10 reasons why gay marriage is wrong is one of the first results. Another is a church talking about how unnatural it is. Others are more casual. Individuals saying they didn’t really care but that it is gross. One of the links provides evidence that gay people shouldn’t have or be able to adopt kids.

Keith’s blood runs cold at these results. It isn’t all bad, but a lot of it backs up his parents’ response. Even at this age, being in the fifth grade, he wants a typical kind of life. He assumes he will have a normal life one day and even likes the idea of being married and having kids in the future.

But, the details had always been vague and now he tries to picture it more clearly. Would a guy or girl be standing by his side? Didn’t it need to be a girl? Is the internet correct? You can’t be gay and have kids, right? Wouldn’t it damage the kids? He can’t do that.

He finds another link about parents having to cope with having gay children that makes it sound like he had died or murdered someone rather than decided he likes boys. It is full of coping strategies, support groups, and testimonials from parents who describe having a gay child as a burden.   

Keith wants to vomit.

He can’t hurt people. He can’t hurt his possible future children. He can’t hurt his parents.

His parents are his entire world. His dad who buys him ice cream after school. His mom who reads books with him. His family, just the three of them, living so far away from any other family members, watching Korean movies on lazy Sunday afternoons. They are all he has. They are his entire world.  

He can’t.

So he tells himself that boys aren’t that great. Really, they aren’t. He has friends who are girls too and he likes talking to them too, just as much as the boys. The friend he kissed never speaks to him again. Keith swallows the hurt and tells himself that he likes girls anyway. He was just confused before.

He asks a girl to be his girlfriend and life continues.

This is when having a girlfriend basically meant sitting next to them at lunch, sometimes shyly holding hands under the table. Passing notes in class. He tells his parents he has a girlfriend and they are thrilled. Proud of him.

For Keith at this moment, everything is fine. He likes Heather, his girlfriend. She is nice. He can do this. Her skin is soft when they hold hands under the table. This is fine.

 

*********

 

Then they move to America and things are confusing in a completely different way. He is scared of the other kids at school, scared of making new friends, scared to say goodbye to the friends he had in Canada. America becomes his home rather than just a word he sometimes hears on the news.

His parents want to help him adjust as soon as possible and send him to a football camp. He had always been athletic. It turns out to be one of the best decisions they could have made for him. Keith quickly picks up on how important football is here. Even though they are only 11-13 years old, the community takes the game very seriously. The camp is much more intensive and disciplined than anything he had done in Canada for any sport. Keith didn’t really have that much experience with football, but he is a fast learner and a natural. He works hard and soon becomes known as one of the players to watch at the camp. The coaches start giving him individual attention.

And someone named Anthony Alvarez introduces himself. Keith is shy and still a bit intimidated by the American kids he is surrounded by. He mostly keeps to himself. But, Anthony has a way of opening him up, right from the beginning. When the other kids make fun of his Canadian accent, Anthony shuts them up and then asks him a bunch of questions about Canada. The interest is genuine.

He tells Keith that he knows he must miss home, but that America rocks and he would love it here too.

Keith is relieved to find out that he is in the same school system as this boy. Friends seem to fall into place immediately. Anthony and football seem to be the key. No one even really questions Keith being accepted into Anthony’s group and the teasing that happens due to his accent or being from Canada is affectionate rather than serious.  

Keith knows that this is his ticket-be good at football. Be friends with the quarterback. Flirt with girls. Keep your head down. It is his way of life.

It would have worked fine too except for the one nagging issue that he always tries to pretend doesn’t exist. The one he keeps hidden deep inside, not even allowing himself to acknowledge it most of the time.

 

**********

 

The first time Anthony invites him over to his house, Keith comes face to face with a problem.

Anthony’s parents are openly friendly to Keith. Mrs. Alvarez even hugs him and gives them cookies. That isn’t the problem though. The problem is playing in the back of the house.  

In a back room, they come across Anthony’s younger brother. He is small, really small and curled up beside a mat on the ground that has a bunch of Legos. A nearly completed Lego plane of some sort is in his hand. He looks up and smiles really wide, saying his name is Lance.

Keith immediately has a visceral reaction to that smile. It is like someone punched him. All the air leaves his lungs. His heart beats fast. He feels hot and anxious. He doesn’t even remember if he responds before Anthony is excusing himself to the bathroom.

“Want to play?” Lance points at his Legos. “Or we can play a video game, I have…”

Keith barely hears him though, fighting back the bile that is rising up his throat, the panic in his chest. Without even realizing it, he crosses the room, grabs the Lego plane, and breaks it in half before throwing the pieces on the ground.

Lance’s reaction is almost comical. He looks shocked, mouth wide open, eyes confused. Keith is relieved that he is no longer smiling. He smirks before Anthony walks back into the room. They leave soon after, going to practice throwing footballs.

He doesn’t look at Lance as they walk out the door.

There is something that settles deep inside Keith that day and moving forward. It isn’t anger exactly. It is more than just annoyance though. It is a ball of resentment and negative feelings that sits on his chest, boils in his stomach. He can sometimes pretend it isn’t there. But, it is always sitting and waiting. Always ready to take over. Always underneath his skin.

He blames Lance. He hates him. He wants to wipe that smile off his face permanently.

 

*********

 

Keith starts dating another girl. A cute blonde named Briana. They are in middle school now, officially teenagers, and Briana looks at him with stars in her eyes when they meet up after football games. And Keith is great at football. Their team is 10-1 one year, undefeated the next, champions and Keith helps make it happen. Kids respect him. Parents give him pats on the back. His parents are so proud of him that it makes Keith’s chest hurt.

Briana is proud of him too. She is also objectively cute and moved to the area from Nevada. Though not exactly a different country, Keith feels like she can understand what he has been through. They talk about sports. They talk about moving and the differences between their old homes and this one. They hang out sometimes at each other’s houses, mostly watching TV.

One day, she leans over and kisses him. It is his first real kiss. He feels nothing.

But, he kisses back. He adapts quickly and realizes that this is what you do with girlfriends. You kiss them. You ask for more. You put your hands on their body.

He can only manage to make himself put his hands on her hips before Briana pulls back.

“You can…You can touch me if you want,” she says, putting his hand under her shirt. Keith leaves his hand on her belly for one moment before jumping off the bed.

“I have to go,” he says before stomping out of the room, down the stairs, and out the door. His house is further away than he would normally walk, but he does it anyway. At some point, his dad drives by in his car and picks him up.

“What happened?” he asks.

Keith knows he probably looks upset. He scrambles for a lie. He can’t say that he had a chance to touch boobs and, at that moment, realized just how uninterested he is in them. That Briana had forced him out of his denial. That he is never going to be able to fake it as much as he needs to.

“Briana and I had a fight.”

“Over what?”

“I flirted with another girl at school.”

Keith’s dad frowns at him and talks about how good men are nice to girls and being nice means being faithful. Keith listens, trying to keep from shaking, internally laughing at the lie he has just told and the fact that his dad thinks the issue might be Keith wanting too many girls instead of none.

Keith is afraid of the repercussions of his actions with Briana. He is afraid she will tell everyone that something is wrong with him, that he hadn’t wanted what she offered him even though he knows every other boy would have.  

Somehow, he isn’t even sure how, a rumor starts that they had broken up because he was messing around with another girl in their grade. This other girl, Cecilia, is someone that he hadn’t ever been involved with beyond hanging out in a group. Afterward, he wonders if Cecilia herself had started the rumor. He somehow gets the rep of being a player (which, to be honest, somehow made him seem cooler to others). Cecilia seems smug at the fact that she was given credit for breaking them up. Briana leaves the lunchroom crying the first time he sees her after the incident and after the rumor had spread.

Keith feels terrible. He is overwhelmed by how much he hates himself for hurting someone who had only ever been nice to him. But, what can he do to help Briana?

Because he is not denial anymore. He knows. He knows in the pit of his stomach that he will never want a Briana or a Cecilia or boobs. Now, he is hiding. He has a secret no one can know. Being a “player” helps him keep that secret, keeps him safe.

Now he can date casually, getting involved with many girls, but none seriously. Other people make assumptions as to why. Most think he is a dog, a guy who is playing the field. Sometimes there are rumors that he pressures girls for sex so they break up with him. Sometimes there are even rumors that he drops girls after having sex with them. None of these are particularly flattering, but it is fine because any of those rumors are better than people thinking he is gay.

Because he isn’t gay. He won’t be gay unless he gets involved with a guy and that will never happen. Ever.  And that is fine by Keith. Perfectly fine.

 

**********

 

In more proof that life hates him, Briana and Lance are in almost every one of his classes once they are in high school. Briana ignores his existence and, frankly, he would too if he could. He feels deep shame every time he sees her.  

Lance also ignores him, visibly making himself smaller when he sees Keith, avoiding eye contact. Which, is also fine to Keith. He can normally find a few of his football buddies, stalk to the back of the classroom, and hope a teacher never calls on him. He uses the vantage point to stare at how terrible Lance is instead of paying attention to the lectures.

Lance dresses just a bit too nice for a boy. His clothing sometimes verges on girly and Keith thinks that Lance is very lucky that Anthony, their star quarterback, is his older brother. Most kids won’t mess with Lance because of it. He also likes cute things-a notebook with a kitten on it, phone charms with a puppy. Again, lucky, lucky, lucky to have Anthony.

He is still small, but also quite tall. Keith realizes, as they get into high school, that Lance will be taller than him. But he is petite, never quit filling out like his brother or even Keith.

He also has an expressive face. When everyone is quietly doing work, expression-less as they work through quadratic formulas and word problems, Lance wears his emotions on his sleeve. You can trace his work through a problem-confusion, thinking, a grimace for a wrong answer, face brightening when he gets a correct answer. 

He is ~~adorable~~ terrible. Horrible. Keith hates him. So, he tries to pull that smile off Lance’s face. It is stupid really. Knocking his stuff on the ground. Making fun of his braces. Snickering behind his back when he gets something wrong in class. A stupid nickname, Naruto, made even stupider by the fact that Keith himself also watches anime sometimes, though he likes Bleach more.

He has to be careful though. Anthony would kill him if he knew. He needs Anthony. But he also needs to hurt Lance. The ball of bad feelings Keith keeps buried deep inside himself burns brightly whenever he sees Lance. It is Lance’s fault for being cute. It is Lance’s fault for existing.

Everything is made worse because Keith knows exactly what Lance is. He knows Lance is gay and, furthermore, that those around him are ok with it. It makes him sick. Pidge, Lance’s best friend and the smartest person in their school, definitely knows.  

One time, in the locker room, someone casually brings up Lance’s sexuality to Anthony. Wonders if Anthony and his family are ok with “that.”

The response is immediate.

“Why wouldn’t we be ok with it?” Anthony stares down the offending boys, daring them to say anything in return. They don’t, blushing, muttering and walking away.

Keith has to leave the room, nauseous, sick with a sudden type of anxiety that makes his hands shake. Lance’s parents know and are ok with it. Anthony knows and is ok with it.

He punches a locker, barely avoiding breaking his hand. He imagines that it is Lance’s face.

 

*********

 

Keith is sixteen now and, beyond that hug and kiss with the friend he pretends not to remember back when he was a child, he maintains a precarious balancing act of never slipping up when it comes to boys. Chase girls, but never let it get too serious. Work the rumor mill to his advantage. Cling to Anthony like a brother. Be good at football. Wipe that smile off Lance’s face.

It works for him, as long as he ignores the anxiety that burrows deep inside him, keeping him awake at night. He starts flirting with Nyma, the prettiest girl in school. Everyone envies him.

He never masturbates. It isn’t that he doesn’t have urges. It’s just that he can’t act on those urges. So, he refuses, and his punishment is dreams that leave him ashamed in the morning, sheets wet beneath him.

But he can do this and everything is fine.

It is with a false sense of security and balance that he goes with his parents on vacation that year. They stay in a beach house that has a pool shared with a few other beach houses. It is easy to go from the house to the pool to the beach and also pretty private as well. They go to the beach and take corny pictures of themselves in touristy poses.

See, this is nice he tells himself. Him and his family. The only thing he has in life. His dad and mom.

He has spent years living up to their expectations. Liking girls. Being good at football. Being a good son. When health class asks them to describe their perfect girlfriend (the girls get handouts that say describe your perfect boyfriend) he writes that **she** is tall, tan, blue eyes. He crosses out where he writes “likes Legos” and writes “has long hair” instead. He keeps quiet in class when they are asked by a teacher to debate whether gay marriage should be allowed or not and half of the students are against it.

He is a good son. He ignores the comments his parents make about gay people. How they express pity for the Alvarez family when they hear Lance is gay. How they act like a pedophile is in the store with them when a guy wearing a dress happens to be shopping at the same time as them. These are little daggers sticking into Keith every time, but he internalizes, holds it in, nods sympathetically with his parents. He talks to them about his girlfriends, lets them lecture him about needing to find one girl. Every once in awhile, they will bring up his “phase” and how glad they are that he is “over that.”

Keith nods and nods and smiles and smiles.

This is his entire life, his entire family, and he loves them.

His parents go to dinner by themselves one night so Keith goes to the pool by himself. It is an off-season time so the pool is empty except for a guy around his age, maybe a few years older. Maybe 18-19, Keith thinks. Keith isn’t checking out his toned chest and arms. Not at all. He carefully maintains some distance.  

However, the guy seems to have other plans. He comes over and makes small talk. He seems friendly enough and Keith allows himself to look at him in his bathing suit, strong chest, tanned skin.  

The guy moves closer and closer.

“So do you have a boyfriend?” He asks suddenly.

Keith almost jumps out of the pool.

“What? No. Are you crazy? No. I am straight!” he responds.

The man laughs.

“It is ok. I am bisexual.”

“Well, that’s nice, but I only likes girls.”

The man puts his hand on Keith’s thigh. Keith freezes, years of repression undone with a touch. He looks in the man’s brown eyes.

“Are you sure about that.”

He puts his hands in Keith’s lap where his body is definitely betraying him. And Keith is tired. So very tired. Everything crashes in on him at once. It is like he is watching himself in a dream as he leans forward and kisses the boy. He momentarily forgets his situation, the idea of balance, his safety. The fact that he is in public right now. It feels good.

He is so lonely.

They kiss for a few moments before the man asks if he would like to go for a walk on the beach. Keith nods.

It is dark out and most people are gone by this time. The boy, whose name is James, leads him to an isolated area before kissing him again. Then, his hands are down his pants and Keith is in heaven. It doesn’t take long for him to come all over the guy’s hands. He giggles, giddy, scared that he is opening a door that can’t be shut again, scared by how attracted he feels to James.

When James guides him to his knees and shoves his dick in Keith’s face, Keith accepts. He had watched blow jobs before, always straight porn of course, but he assumes it is the same. He has no idea what he is doing, but James somehow either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.

He experiences an epiphany on his knees hidden away on a dark beach in Florida. This is what he wants. This is what he likes. This is who he is. He loves men.

“I’ve never done this before,” he murmurs afterward, wiping his mouth as James helps him to his feet.

“Blowjobs on the beach with a stranger?”

“No, blowjobs at all.”

James freezes at this, obviously surprised. Keith laughs and laughs. When he makes his way back into the beach house, he realizes his cheeks are wet. 

 

**********

 

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

He is on Nyma’s bed. They had been kissing and he had even garnered enough bravery to feel her up. She has a great body and even Keith can recognize this. It is just nothing is happening below his waist.

He knows the answer should be yes. Hell yes. Any time any place. Nyma is gorgeous. People literally stare at them when they walk down the high school hallways. She is fun, easy to talk to, and has a rich family. She is also apparently willing to give him what every high school boy wants. Her parents are out somewhere. They have the house to themselves. She had sneaked a bit of alcohol away from her parents’ room. Keith even has a condom in his wallet. There is literally no reason why Keith would say no, except for the one he can’t say.

He tries to imagine himself actually doing it, taking her clothes off, spreading her legs.

To his horror, as he attempts to come up with an excuse why he has to leave, he finds himself panicking. He is tongue-tied, shaking, and realizes he may have fucked up. Nyma will surely know what is wrong. She will ruin him. She is more popular than him and people will be on her side. He prays she will just say he is impotent. He can handle some impotency rumors.

“Hey.”

His panic must have shown more than he thought. He looks up to see Nyma looking at him, genuinely concerned. She puts her hand on his cheek.

“Hey, it’s ok. Breathe for me Keith. It’s ok.”

He nods and sits back. _Oh god, she is going to think I am a freak._

“I think I know what the problem is,” she says quietly, a moment later.

“What,” he gasps, wincing at how his voice sounds.

“Are you gay?” she asks.

He panics, scared to death, ready to have sex with her if that is what it takes, hit her, run away, change schools, something, anything.

“Keith, Jesus, calm down. It’s ok. I’m…I’m too. Me too.”

He doesn’t even entirely register what she is saying before he is running out her door. He jumps in his car and drives away fast, hoping he isn’t as drunk as he feels, hoping that didn’t really just happen, laughing at the fact that Nyma is the second girl he has left confused in her bedroom in this life.

That night, he sits in the bathroom, looking in the mirror. He looks terrible. He splashes his face with cold water and takes a few deep breaths.

“I’m gay,” he says out loud. It is his first time saying it. He has barely allowed himself to think these exact words, even in moments where he knows it to be true, even after waking up after a wet dream involving Zac Efron, even on his knees on the beach with a dick in his mouth.

“I’m gay,” he says again, making eye contact with himself.

“I’m gay.”

I’m gay.

The next day, he drives to Nyma’s again. Her dad answers the door and greets him warmly. They are a big football family and love that Nyma is dating him. They sit and talk about pro ball for a few minutes before Nyma comes down the stairs, looking at him warily.

They go for a walk around the neighborhood.

“I’m sorry,” he starts.

“I mean, you have nothing to be sorry about. I am worried about you though. Are you ok?”

“That is a complicated question.”

“I know.”

“Did you mean it? What you said about yourself?”

“Yes. I am a lesbian.”

He nods.

“I’m gay,” he responds.

They both laugh awkwardly. She gives him a hug. He lets himself be comforted.

As they are walking back to her house, she giggles.

“You were seriously touching my boobs like you were doing math homework or something. You looked so bored!”

“Sorry. They are nice, but…”

“No, I get it, its fine. I mean, you have a great body but it doesn’t turn me on.”

Later, he asks what she would have done if he did want to have sex. She tells him that she had before with boys-just lay back and think of girls, she says with a smile.

They are inseparable after this point, hiding in plain sight together. Nyma is a godsend, the reason he doesn’t burn out faster than he does. In his spiral downward, she offers a reprieve. With her, and with Anthony, Keith thinks that things might be ok again. He can find his balance again. No need to chase girls anymore. He is Nyma’s boyfriend. He has friends. He is a step closer to accepting himself, at least allowing himself to admit to himself what he is.

Anthony is also a godsend. He is like the brother Keith never had. He looks out for him, makes sure he is adjusting, and encourages him to make friends. Keith cares about Anthony and looks up to him. They are inseparable on and off the field. Sometimes they sneak out together at night and explore the sleepy town. They wander, sometimes meeting up with other people, sometimes just parking somewhere and talking. They throw rocks through an abandoned house window one night. Another time, they try to steal a street sign and a cop pulls up behind them just as Anthony hoists Keith onto his shoulders. Keith freaks, but Anthony somehow manages to have the police laughing and shooing them on their way rather than arresting them.

And somehow Anthony knows about Keith and not only keeps his secret, but accepts it. The only time it is brought up between them openly, he has the same response as he did for the people gossiping about Lance in the locker room. Why wouldn’t I be ok with it? Aren’t you still Keith? with a direct glare that seems to dare even Keith to say something about it.

Keith relies on Nyma and Anthony. They are the only ones who know who he really is and accept him for it. To him, this is priceless and something he can never hope to repay in any form. For the most part, Keith is a happy person.

Keith finds a balance with them by his side. He keeps his same mantra in place from earlier. Be friends with Anthony (and “date” Nyma). Kick ass at football. Keep Lance in his place. Keep his head down. And everything is fine.

 

**********

 

But it is hard being a teenager with urges that aren’t acceptable.

He sees Lance at a car wash for the girl’s soccer team with Pidge, wet and clothes clinging to his body. Lance just being cute is trouble enough for Keith. Lance being sexy is unbearable. He lies to his friends, desperate to get home, praying no one will see the sudden reason he has to leave. He doesn’t even make it home before he pulls over into a parking lot of an abandoned store and touches himself. He imagines Lance getting on his knees before him, licking his lips, taking him in his mouth. It is one of the first times he allows himself to masturbate to a guy.

He wipes his mess on the car seat afterward, trying to fight down the panic that rises in his throat. This is fine, he tells himself. You can do this. You know you are gay. You can dream about it. You just can’t actually date a guy.

He can’t look Anthony in the eyes for the next week.

Keith realizes that he might be just a bit creepy. That maybe being gay has twisted him somehow. He isn’t sure at what point it had happened-didn’t he used to be normal?  Maybe he has always been this way and just never noticed?

He is aware enough to know that his obsession with Lance is unhealthy.

One time, he sees Lance at a mall shopping with Pidge. His body on autopilot, he follows them, watching their movements, watching them eat crappy Chinese food at the food court and look at Funko Pop dolls. Lance buys some cheap jewelry. He messes up that time, unable to stop himself from laughing at something Lance says and they have an awkward encounter in front of a lingerie store. He walks away, heart pounding, hoping that Lance just thinks it is a coincidence that Keith happened to be there.  

Another time, he sees Lance by himself walking through a park near their high school. It is not a school day so the park is empty. A silent war rages inside Keith while Lance unknowingly and happily goes about his day. Part of Keith knows he needs to leave him alone. Another part wants to hit Lance, make him bleed. Another part wants something that Keith can’t, or won’t put into words. So he follows Lance silently as he walks through the park, smiling at his phone, saying hi to the squirrels he passes on the way. Keith thinks how alone they are in the park, how he could go up to the helpless Lance and…

He doesn’t know how to finish his thoughts. And do what? He asks himself. At one point, Lance looks behind him, concern etched on his face like he can sense Keith’s presence. Keith honest to god slips behind a tree, like in a movie.

Except, in a movie, he would be the creepy bad guy that the audience would be urging the protagonist to get away from. Keith knows this. He knows he is messed up.  

Keith knows there is a line being crossed here as he stares at Lance, follows him, grinds his teeth in frustration. He knows Lance would be creeped out if he knew. That Anthony would be disgusted. He knows he just needs to leave Lance alone.

He also feels drawn to Lance like a moth to a flame though. Keith is lost in feelings he doesn’t understand, he is mixed up, and the strength of his own feelings scare him. He worries about his ability to control himself. That he might really hurt ~~like~~ Lance. That he might ~~kiss~~ hate Lance.

At the very least, he knows he needs to stop stalking Lance.

He makes worse mistakes than being creepy with Anthony’s younger brother though.

He meets a guy on the soccer team that he is sure is bisexual or maybe gay. He should have avoided him like he avoids most guys. Or bullied him like he did Lance. Something. But he doesn’t. They become friends. They hang out alone together. They go to games together.

It is underneath the bleachers during a girl’s soccer game that Keith leans over and kisses this boy. The boy kisses back for a moment and then pushes him away.

“What are you doing? That’s disgusting. You freak!” he runs away and Keith’s existence crumbles. He imagines this boy telling everyone, telling his parents. The ball of negativity in his chest bursts and he can’t do it anymore. It is one of the lowest moments of his life, a spiral of panic and self-hatred drowning him as he imagines his cover blown.   

He runs toward the parking lot, ready to leave, go somewhere, get drunk, get in a fight, something. Then he sees Lance, his nightmare, basically skipping toward him looking at his phone. His cute little phone with a charm. The desire to hurt something is overwhelming. He stalks over and grabs Lance, who looks shocked. He looks so innocent, so cute, so happy. Keith wants to ruin it.

So he says the most hurtful word he knows.

Lance’s face crumples in a way that Keith would see at night before bed for years. Keith goes home and drinks until he throws up.

Lance isn’t at school the next day or the next. Keith’s anxiety grows. He can’t convince himself that Lance deserved what was said. Or that Lance even deserves anything. He really hasn’t been anything but nice to Keith. And Anthony has been like a brother to him.

He is repaying their kindness with pain and lies.

In his desperation, he sends a text. He clumsily asks Lance to come back to school. He needs to see Lance back in classes, working so hard, oblivious to the worthless piece of trash that is Keith staring at him from the back row.

He needs to be able to pretend that his choices will leave no lingering scars on Lance.

When Lance finally shows back up to school, Keith steals his drink, desperate for some kind of contact but not emotionally mature enough to actually talk to Lance. Lance barely registers that it happens, glancing at him briefly before continuing his homework. Keith walks away, drinking the Dr. Pepper, giggling slightly at the idea of indirect kisses. When he goes to throw away the bottle, he realizes his hands are shaking.

 

*********

 

It is prom. Nyma is wearing something that is even a bit hot to Keith who has zero interest in women. He lets his mom dress him, supposing what he is wearing to be good enough. They talk. They laugh. They dance.

It is the last night, really, of high school. Sure, there is more school to go, but it is really over this night. Keith would be going to Anthony’s university. He has a spot on the football team. The change is scary. He clings to Nyma and she sympathetically clings back.

The last slow dance is “Can’t Help Falling In Love with You.” It is an old song, but Keith likes it more than some of the contemporary options available. He has the misfortune of seeing his soccer blunder on the dance floor with a girl. The boy makes eye contact briefly before blushing and looking away.

Then, he sees Lance, dancing with Pidge. He is being goofy, not dancing seriously, but doing over-exaggerated turns and hip swivels with a laughing Pidge. His smile is so big Keith can see it even in the darkened room. He feels a pinch in his chest.

Nyma touches his chin.  
“Hey, Keith. It will be ok. Everything will be fine. You know that right?”

She knows everything about his parents, his fears, the man at the beach, everything. She is the first person Keith tells everything.

He nods and manages to smile at her. She leans into him, laying her head on his shoulder.

“That party we are going to on Saturday in the city will definitely have some hot ass girls and guys though. Maybe we can find you a man there.”

“You have better luck finding women, Nyma. That one you had last week was pretty even to me.”

“She was, wasn’t she? Sucks that she is so annoying! And damn, she can do this thing with her tongue you wouldn’t believe…”

Later, this moment would be immortalized in the school yearbook in a page dedicated to loving couples, Nyma’s head on his shoulder, eyes closed,  Keith holding her close while she talked about the sex she had with the redhead last weekend.

It is fine though. Keith manages. He can get through anything. Everything is fine.

 


	2. Bacchanalia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith sleeps with everyone-I'm not kidding that is basically the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read, left kudos, and comments :) 
> 
> A few notes-people who do not read Parasol, this is Keith's POV to my other fic named Parasol. You can technically still read it just as a story about Keith, but some of it will probably be better if you also read Parasol. You can find the link in the series linked above and below. 
> 
> I added a few tags so heed the warnings. 
> 
> Also, Keith is on a journey to self-acceptance so some of what he thinks in this chapter will be challenged in future chapters and it is also not my personal feelings about the subject matter.

If the last decade or so of Keith’s life had been characterized by him trying to avoid being gay, then the next few years are characterized by him being as gay as he wants. He knows what he is. He knows it won’t change. He is also just as impulsive and hormonally driven as anyone else his age. The freedom associated with being 18 and leaving for college is a metaphorical dam breaking for him. There is no longer anything stopping him from enjoying the pleasures that life has to offer while ignoring the pleasures that he isn’t allowed.  

Keith isn’t, initially, someone who wants to sleep around. He has dreams of saving himself for someone he loves and embraces the idea that who you share your body with is special. He had pretty traditional ideas about family. Which, is a cosmic joke to Keith when he is 18. A life like that, a belief system like that, isn’t for people like him. Gay people don’t get the white picket fence. It is a luxury, a way of life that he makes peace with not having. There is nothing special, nothing sacred about his desires.

He can’t date. He can't have a relationship.

But he sees no reason to avoid sex anymore. He seeks affection and intimacy in the only way he knows how. And it is easy- he knows he is attractive and popular if for no other reason than football, the religion of the region. Keith will never have a problem finding a warm body to be in his bed at the end of a night if he wants it.

The ball of anxiety and nervous pain that had settled inside him through most of high school turns into more of a lead weight of sadness going into college. It is somehow even worse than the angry anxiety of past years. He is afraid it will drown him. So, Keith knows he has to stay high enough to outrun it. 

He does have a problem though, standing on the precipice of change, college looming in the fall and only one last summer left of being Keith of his small hometown.

His virginity is an obstacle he has to overcome. Except for making out a few times and the man on the beach, he is still a virgin. It is another cosmic joke given his reputation as a bit of a slut at his high school. He even has other guys come to him for advice about sex or how to get girls to have sex with you. He blusters his way through advice, internally snickering at the fact that he quite literally has never even been naked with someone else before, let alone being a modern-day lothario.  

But he can’t go to college a virgin. So, he sets a goal. The summer before college is the time when he would lose his virginity even if he has to seduce a random stranger somewhere to do it. He even briefly considers Craigslist though Nyma tells him Grindr is much less likely to get him chopped into little pieces by the end of the night.

He knows he can't start his college life being pure, that he has no right to be pure in the first place. So he goes to clubs in the city, sometimes sneaking into clubs that are 21 and up. Nyma gets him a fake ID that makes him 22 years old.

He flirts, grinds against men, occasionally ending up in the bathroom where he gives someone a hand job or sucks them off. But, something holds him back from taking that next step, from actually going home with someone. He hates to admit it to himself, but he is a little afraid of having something inside him, especially when it would be a stranger. He had used his fingers before, but a dick would be bigger and he wouldn’t be controlling it like he could his own fingers. You read one internet article about anal tearing and it changes you.  

He eventually meets someone on a hot night in July. He is not quite old enough to be his dad, but close enough that Keith feels a little shame as he slips into the man’s car and buckles his seatbelt. He is carrying a knife, a dagger his mother gave him that was a family heirloom of sorts. He hopes the guy just wants to have sex.

“So I don't buy 22. I don’t even really buy 21,” the man breaks the silence. He had asked to see Keith’s ID earlier and, though it fooled many bouncers, Keith supposes this man may be a bit more perceptive. Keith doesn’t speak, noting that the doors are currently locked and feeling a bubble of fear as he looks out the window at the buildings whizzing by.

 

“But at least tell me you are legal. I can do 18 and above. I don’t do jail bait.”  

 

Keith considers for a moment and then is truthful.

“I'm 18. I can show you my real driver’s license if you want to see it. Is 18 a problem?” He puts his hand on the man’s thigh trying to look sexy or eager or however people look when they want to get fucked, however they act before they lose their virginities to strangers.

Because college is rapidly approaching and he is still a virgin and he can't be a virgin when he walks through those doors. This man is the best candidate he had found so far. He is attractive but also seems caring. He is much less aggressive pursuing Keith than most, firm, but not pushy. He is gentle when they dance rather than grabby. They had also talked and the man seemed to care about his life. Or, he could just be a good actor, but Keith is working on a deadline and needs to get down to business.  

Keith pays attention to the fact that this man seems like a good man even though he is picking up obviously not 22-year olds at a club. He wants someone who will be careful, who is experienced.  

The man smiles at him. “18 isn’t an issue.”

Keith expects to be pounced on as soon as they enter his condo. However, Tom seems to take his time.

“You seem nervous. Any reason I should know about?”

“I’m not nervous.”

“You’re shaking a little bit”

“You might be an axe murderer”

Tom laughs at this.

“Plus, I don’t usually do this, going home with strangers.”

Tom nods.

“Do you want a drink?”

Something tells Keith to be careful so he follows Tom into the kitchen and watches him pour some Fireball from the bottle into two glasses with ice. Keith shotguns it, wincing at the taste. He hasn’t drank much in life and, honestly, prefers the drinks most people would call girly. Tom settles into his couch and drinks more slowly, carefully watching Keith.

He realizes that Tom is being kind, that Tom understands that he is nervous and young and probably even knows he is inexperienced. It makes Keith even more determined that this is it. He doesn’t think the man before him would hurt him. In fact, he thinks he could probably ask for a ride home right now and Tom would do it without complaint, no questions asked. Even now, Tom is looking at him, partially with desire, but also with a note of concern.

Keith shakes his head and puts his glass down. He would have to stop acting like a virgin if he wants Tom to make that reality stop being true. He slinks over to him, giving him what he hopes is a sexy look, and then climbs into his lap. He kisses him hungrily, wrapping his fingers in the other man’s hair. He grinds against him, already feeling him harden, excitement growing. He is nervous to have this happen, but he wants it too.

It is the only encouragement that Tom needs. Soon, Keith finds himself on his hands and knees in Tom’s bed, being fucked from behind. His head is pushed into the pillow and he giggles, hoping Tom doesn’t notice. He can’t believe it is actually happening, that he actually made it happen, that he won’t have to go to college with the shame of his virginity hanging over his head.

It hurts a little bit, but Keith is prepared for that. It also feels good, which he isn’t prepared for. Tom’s hand coaxes him into orgasm, Keith being a little surprised when it happens. He presses back into Tom as he comes, whimpering, feeling Tom’s breath on his neck.

Keith bolts to the bathroom almost immediately after Tom comes. Tom had insisted on a condom (another reason why Keith believes he made the correct choice) so there isn’t any need for that type of clean-up. He needs a moment by himself though.  

Keith looks in Tom’s mirror and laughs again, eyes wild, still catching his breath. He feels hopelessly torn. Part of him can’t believe he actually did that. Part of him feels dirty, feels the sadness deep inside him rising up. Another part of him wants to go back to the bedroom where Tom is to try to get round two started.

He chokes down any panic or pain he feels at the moment and walks out of the bathroom eventually, finding Tom in bed casually looking at his phone. He quickly sets it aside when he sees Keith.

Keith feels awkward, not knowing the proper protocol here. Whenever he saw one night stands in movies, spending the night usually didn’t happen unless the people are drunker than they are right now. Should he not make it weird and just leave?

“Hey, come here” Tom beckons to him, seemingly noticing his indecision. Keith quickly hops back in bed, letting Tom put an arm around him. It feels nice.  

“I was a virgin,” he blurts out a moment later, regretting it immediately.

Tom stills for a moment, silence stretching just a bit too long.

“Ok. Wow. I wish you had told me. I knew you were nervous but thought you were probably cheating on someone or something.”

“It isn’t a big deal” Keith answers, snuggling closer into Tom’s arms. Tom feels strong and comfortable. He feels a weird bubble in his chest and savagely tries to beat it back down. He isn’t going to be that person who gets attached to a one night stand.

They sleep together and, in the morning, Tom fucks Keith again in the shower.

Keith assumes they will not see each other again even though Tom asks for his phone number afterward. He is fine with this. He just needed someone to do it with him. Not a relationship.

However, the next day, Tom texts and asks him to lunch. They eat at a trendy place that probably has the word “kitschy” in the restaurant description. It isn’t Keith’s style, but he cannot pretend even to himself that he is not happy that Tom wants to see him again. And again.

And again.

 

And again.

 

Keith finds most of his free time for the last part of the summer spent with Tom. They laze around Tom’s condo, eating, having sex, watching documentaries together on TV. They go see movies at a trendy cinema downtown. The theater shows some French indie film that Keith doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t care. They hold hands in the theater. Afterward, Tom tells him what the movie means and he listens, smiling, thinking about Tom’s hands and how they touch him.  

It isn’t until Nyma refers to him as Keith’s boyfriend does he realize that he may have accidentally entered a relationship. It is the one thing he isn’t allowed to do. So, he tells himself it is just sex, even after they go to indie films, even after they have nice dinners, even when Tom pays for everything, even when he holds him after sex and calls him his beautiful boy.

**********

 

The end is fast and unexpected. Or maybe Keith is just naïve. He is walking through a grocery store, not even that close to where Tom lives. He sees Tom and excitedly walks over. However, when he gets closer, he also sees a woman beside him. Keith stares at them, trying to comprehend. They don’t touch, but it seems comfortable. A bit too comfortable. He turns and leaves without saying anything to Tom.

The next time they have sex, he grabs Tom’s phone while he takes a shower. He doesn’t know the lock code, but Tom has the feature enabled that shows the last few texts on the screen even when locked. One of them is from someone named Samantha. She calls him honey and asks when he is going to be home.

Keith tries to tell himself that it is a misunderstanding of some sort or maybe a weird sister or friend. I mean, he has Nyma, right?  They are technically still pretending to date.

“So who is Samantha?” he asks as soon as Tom is out of the shower. He can tell from Tom’s facial expression, immediately, that his worst fears are true.

“Uhm…” Tom fumbles.

“Wife or girlfriend?” Keith is already out of the bed, bitterness growing as he grabs his clothes.

“…Wife.”

“Does she know?”

“About you? No. She has caught me before with other…”

“Other 18-year-old boys?”

“Keith.”

“Don’t touch me.”

As he stalks out of the condo, Keith isn’t even entirely sure why he is so upset. It isn’t like Tom and him had ever been confirmed boyfriends or exclusive. It isn’t like he imagined it being a lasting relationship. It isn’t like he loves Tom.  

Keith isn’t the type of person to catch feelings for someone just because he lost his virginity to them or because he had shared every part of himself with them or because they hold him more tenderly than he ever thought possible. No. Not him. Only embarrassing people did that. Only the weak.  

 

It was just sex, Keith tells himself. Just sex. Not a relationship at all. See. This is what he wanted anyway. He ~~can’t have~~ doesn’t want a boyfriend.

A few days pass before Tom texts him again.

Tom: Keith, can we talk?

Keith: What is there to talk about?

Tom: I’m just sorry because I feel like you got attached. You seem like a nice kid. You will find someone your own age one day.

Keith doesn’t respond until a few hours later.

Keith: How do you do it? Like, pretend to have an actual marriage with a woman?

Tom: You do what you have to do.

Keith understands better than Tom probably thinks. If he were a little less gay, if he were a little more able to pretend, he would probably do the same.

He met a cheerleader at football camp over the summer who is incredibly funny and sarcastic. Keith likes her and she is gorgeous, reminding him of Rihanna. He is actually a bit flattered someone that pretty is interested in him. He imagines asking her out (he knows she would say yes) and then pretend dating and marrying her. There is another girl at a café where he likes the pie that flirts with him when he comes in. She has red hair and is closer to cute than pretty. She is friendly and very easy to talk to.  He knows he could ask her out as well.

 

It is a path that feels easy and impossible at the same time. He likes many girls, but only as friends. He can’t imagine forcing anything else. It isn’t in him.

He never responds to Tom and they never have contact again.

Keith throws a sweater that he ~~stole~~ accidentally took from Tom over the edge of a bridge one night into the river below. He pretends like this is a normal and easy way to dispose of a sweater from someone he doesn’t and never cared about. He pretends like he didn’t briefly consider burning it instead. He pretends like he doesn’t occasionally cuddle a pillow at night dreaming it is Tom.

This is all according to plan anyway. He isn’t a virgin anymore. He is single. He is ready to unleash and have fun. He pushes the growing weight of pain down his throat. He doesn’t have time to be sad.

*********

 

Keith throws himself into college life with the same intensity that he did football at one point, unraveling everything about himself as soon as he moves out. College is a whirlwind. Just a small taste of freedom along with exponentially more gay, bi, or questioning guys makes Keith feel like he has died and gone to heaven. He no longer cares if everyone knows he is gay. Most people don’t seem to care when he drags men back to his room instead of women.

And he loves men, worships men. He loves giving head. He loves having sex. He loves how they smell. He loves the rub of their face stubble across his face or thigh. 

He prefers a dominant role in bed, but he doesn’t care who is actually penetrating.

By then end of a year, Keith would not be able to count how many men he had slept with. It is a blur of pleasure, frantic at times. One time he wakes up and has two guys draped across him in bed. He gets kicked out of a club for having sex against the back wall of the dance floor. He begins associating bathrooms with sex just as much as being places to use the toilet.

It might be the happiest he has ever been, living only for himself, only for the primal feelings bubbling in his stomach, only for sex and football. He is free. The lead ball of sadness deep in his core is long forgotten.  How can he be sad when he has a life like this?

He would only remember this first year in bits and pieces, flashes that pop in and out of his memory.

He remembers traveling to New York City for some kind of football function and going to a house party of someone he never did catch the name of during the course of the night. A big man with a distinct Jersey accent lays him down on a counter and does a body shot off of him. He follows him to his apartment afterward and they have sex on a mattress on the ground that Keith supposes passes for his bed.

There is another time that a man puts a pill on his tongue and then kisses Keith. Some distant part of himself hears warning bells, but he closes his eyes and lets the warmth take him. There is a 12 hour span that he does not and will never remember from that night. He wakes up in a bedroom he doesn’t recognize. There are three guys and a girl in the living room when he shamefully creeps out. They seem friendly, but he literally does not remember who they are or which one he might have banged the night before.

Keith can’t imagine something better than this, can’t imagine being happier than he is right at this moment in his life.   

Not that all of it is great. He doesn’t know his limits with alcohol at first and throws up on a guy while in bed with him. The guy smacks him and he punches right back, earning an uncomfortable police visit where he narrowly avoids being arrested. Another time, he passes out at a party, waking up with a sore ass. As he limps home, he wonders who left him this pleasant morning surprise.

The guys on the team find out that he is gay. He doesn’t tell them. In football, there is a similar don’t ask don’t tell mentality as the military. But, it isn’t hard to figure out when you go to a party and see your teammate making out with men. Most of them just ignore it. Some of them make gross anal sex jokes. Keith can actually take this. The jokes on them anyway-anal sex is amazing. 

Some of them worry that Keith will come onto them or harass them. He is careful about locker rooms, careful of making them more uncomfortable. It is stupid anyway. Keith has absolutely zero desire for straight men. He admits some of them are hot, but there are so many other just as hot guys who actually want to sleep with him. Why waste time on a straight guy?

Anthony is a guiding light during this time. He protects Keith, keeps him safe. The others on the team mostly follow his lead. It helps that he is the star quarterback and that Keith himself is really good. He figures out very early that most will put up with you being a homosexual if you can catch footballs and win games.

His parents know again. He doesn’t know how but they do. So he stops calling home.

But Keith is happy. There is nothing else he ~~can admit he~~ wants in life.

 

*********

 

He isn’t sure why he goes upstairs that night. There is a downstairs bathroom and he knows that Anthony forbids anyone to go upstairs when they have parties at his parents’ house. It is one of those nights when alcohol doesn’t lead to feeling good, but rather that special type of sadness that only seems to creep in when alcohol is involved, when the night turns dark instead of fun. So, Keith just wants a few minutes away from everyone. He could go to Anthony’s old room, still the same as always, and lay down. He knows that Anthony won’t mind.

But, instead he feels drawn to the door at the end of the hallway, the one that still has Lance’s name hung across it. He walks toward it, unsure why he is doing it. Lance is away at college and Keith hadn’t thought about or had any contact with him in a long time, over a year. The occasional casual remark from Anthony or Anthony talking to him on the phone around Keith, but that is it. Lance feels like a distant memory, a part of some past that Keith no longer recognizes.

He blushes as he remembers those last few years of high school when he felt teetering dangerously on the edge of…something with Lance.

It feels natural to go into Lance’s room right now because it isn’t the first time Keith has done it. Keith sneaked into Lance’s room once years before in high school. Lance was sleeping over at Pidge’s and their parents were away for some reason. Anthony fell asleep on the couch early due to a hard practice during the day. Keith had gone through Lance’s stuff, his desk mostly containing boring schoolwork, his bookcase, under his bed where Keith unfortunately found stored clothes rather than the porn or diary he was hoping for. He felt a strange creeping anger at the fact that Lance was so clean. He couldn’t find porn, cigarettes, weed, embarrassing notes, hell, not even a bad test grade shoved at the bottom of a drawer.

 _What type of self-respecting teenager doesn’t have at least one thing he wants to keep hidden from his parents in his room?_ Keith thinks. He notes the Kleenex on the desk and tells himself that at least Lance masturbates. But, knowing Lance, he probably just used that Kleenex for actually blowing his nose.

He masturbated on Lance’s bed that night after one last fruitless search for something sinful or embarrassing in the nightstand. He felt gross doing it, but somehow this turned him on even more. Lance would never know when he came home the next day that Keith had touched himself in his room, shot his load on the carpet with a groan.

When he leaves for college, Keith also sees it as a chance to leave behind Lance and the dark, strange feelings that Lance creates in him. The feelings that make him do weird stuff like stalk him in parks, be cruel to him despite bullying no one else, or masturbate in his bedroom while he is gone. Keith is afraid of the way Lance makes him feel.  

Now, he is in college and Lance is mostly a distant memory. But, still, he feels drawn to this room. He sighs and puts his hand on the door. He wonders if the bed would still smell like Lance. Maybe he can climb in, crawl into the sheets, rub one out thinking about him. He gets a perverse thrill thinking about doing this. _Just for old times’ sake_ he thinks.

He opens the door, stepping in eagerly when he realizes that Lance is most definitely not back at college like he thought he would be. He is sitting up on the bed, looking back at him in shock.

Keith finds himself staring for what feels like too long before quickly looking away, mumbling Lance’s high school nickname, and stumbling around the room, having no idea what he is doing. Because.

Because.

 

Lance.

 

Looks.

 

Beautiful.

 

He isn’t sure if time has made his heart fonder or if Lance has just spent the first year of college becoming ridiculously hot(ter). He seems even taller, filled out, and his skin is basically glowing. His hair is grown out just a little, styled to frame his face perfectly. He is wearing eyeliner and nail polish and Keith cannot handle it.

He swears when Lance turns to look at him that there are sparkles around him. He feels pinned by Lance’s eyes as he makes his way around the room, cruel words spilling out of his mouth before he can stop them.

If he was confused about how he felt about Lance before, he perfectly understands himself now.

He wants to fuck Lance. He has always wanted to. Why couldn’t he recognize that before?

He doesn’t miss how Lance cowers a bit when he walks in the room though. He feels a small stab of regret. He isn’t really a naturally mean person and didn’t really like someone being scared of him, especially not someone he wants to put his dick in.

His mind races through possibilities. He needs to apologize. They could talk right now. Has he ever even had a normal conversation with him? He briefly considers just bluntly asking if he wants a blow job (because come on, who wouldn’t?). He doesn’t understand why he can’t just talk to Lance like a normal person or seduce him like he would any other man. Why he can’t just say sorry? Why he can’t just ask him how college is going and stop insulting him? Why can’t he just make Lance feel good like he does other men?

While he is trying to get his shit together, he finds the blue lingerie in the dresser. Every coherent thought immediately leaves him, fluttering in the wind as he grips the lacy little blue garment.

He knows exactly what he is holding. He had seen Lance admire it in the window of a store.

His heart is racing and he has to see Lance in it. He would do anything to see Lance in it. He could die happy if he just sees Lance in it once.  

So, he thrusts it into Lance’s hands and orders him to put it on. He knows he is being a dick and he knows Anthony is literally just downstairs and would end him if he knew what is currently happening. He doesn’t care. Nothing is more important than Lance and lingerie at this moment.  

Keith doesn’t miss how obedient Lance is when he orders him to put it on, dropping his head and quietly going into the bathroom to change. Keith is basically choking on desire. He sits in the chair, waiting, hands shaking, and imagining possibilities. He imagines pinning Lance to his bed and fucking him so hard he screams. He imagines Lance scratching his nails down Keith’s back, moaning his name. He wonders if Lance would also be obedient in bed, eager to please, or maybe a bit feisty. Keith hopes he will be a bit feisty.

Lance charges back out a minute later, eyes on fire, saying “No, fuck you. Seriously fuck you, Keith. Get Out,” while throwing the lingerie at him. Keith catches it easily, but he no longer cares about lingerie. He discards it quickly, all other thoughts erased by the power of seeing Lance without his shirt on. Keith has seen a lot of men more naked than Lance is now, but nothing compares to this.

His skin is impossibly beautiful and he looks like some kind of Greek god, tall and leanly muscled. He can’t help putting his hands on him. When he looks in Lance’s eyes, he sees confusion, anger, and just a bit of lust. That is what he wants to see. That is what he needs to bring out, to nurture.    

He opens his mouth, ready to try to work his charm on Lance when Nyma interrupts them a moment later in the worst timing ever. He loves Nyma, but secretly curses her intrusion. It is probably for the better though. Lance is acting a bit too skittish at the moment. This might take a little more work on Keith’s end to get him into bed with him.

That night Keith masturbates multiple times thinking of Lance. Lance is so adorable and beautiful and perfect now ~~(or hasn’t he always been?)~~. Keith imagines ruining that, making his hair messy, smearing his make-up. Making a mess of him, making him a drooling, needy creature. Sticking his dick down his throat before fucking him thoroughly. The fantasy is impossibly good and Keith doesn’t think that anything else, not even a real person (except maybe Lance) can compare.

He wonders if Lance turned slutty in college. He imagines Lance grinding against other guys on the dance floor, letting them fuck him in a bathroom stall. Or skipping off to a backroom at a frat party, holding the hands of two faceless men.

It doesn’t quite fit though. Lance doesn’t seem like the type to Keith. He hadn’t reacted like someone comfortable with their sexuality or body when Keith found his lingerie. He acted like someone who has a kink, but hasn’t had a chance to explore it yet. Or maybe he has an actual boyfriend, someone who caught his attention in a class and eventually asked him out for coffee.

The thought makes Keith’s blood run cold and he is finally done for the night. He wonders if Lance is thinking about him, alone in bed. He wonders if Lance is perhaps masturbating to him at the same time Keith is to Lance. He sends a quick text to Lance before rolling over and trying to sleep.

He goes to bed knowing that his weird obsession with Lance is back in full swing and Keith also knows that he will literally do anything to get inside him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Parasol chapter tomorrow and new Keith's Parasol chapter in a few days-I have been on a writing roll!


	3. Burst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith just wants to have sex with Lance. Nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a conversation in here where Nyma and Keith are talking and Keith's thoughts are in italics along with their actual dialogue. I feel like it is sort of confusing, but whenever I put more dialogue tags or explanation I felt like it threw off the "flow" 
> 
> Also, this became angstier than I thought it would be. Next chapter, Keith's life stops sucking as much.

Keith lacks much in the way of character, but one thing you could never say about him is that he lacks dedication. It is what lets him become great at football, running drills all day even outside of practice. In a lesser example, he once decided that he was going to watch every episode of Unsolved Mysteries. He bombs his way through over 300 of them before he cannot find the rest, not being on the internet or for sale. It is still on his bucket list to watch the other 260 as soon as they become available and it is likely that he will accomplish this goal before he dies.  

He is dedicated to only one thing now though and it is over 6 feet tall and has hauntingly blue eyes. He begins inserting himself in Lance’s path as much as he can, even when it is awkward. He tries to figure out what Lance likes. What does he want? What makes him happy? What will make him take his clothes off for Keith? It is a bit confusing that Lance holds out on Keith. Keith is used to a life of stripping for anything reasonably attractive, gay, and male that he comes across and having men do the same for him.   

He tags along to a Haunted House and Lance is adorable, clinging to him (accidentally, but who cares) in the House and wanting to see a psychic. He has a beautiful smile, one that makes Keith feel fuzzy in the head with lust.

Keith can admit to himself that he likes Lance’s company. It is a step above just wanting his body. He doesn’t like Lance of course. Keith doesn’t have crushes. But he does like spending time with him. He thinks it might be nice to be fuck buddies instead of just having a one night stand with him. He wouldn’t mind doing it more than once with Lance. I mean, there is only so much you can do in one night anyway. If he really wants to explore Lance's body, he would need at least a few nights. 

He somehow invites himself to bar trivia with Lance’s friend group. Pidge is openly hostile to him. He gets this. He was an asshole. He is an asshole. He is willing to do whatever it takes to fuck Lance even if it means he has to manipulate him. Pidge is one of the smartest people he knows and he is pretty sure that she understands exactly what Keith is about even if Lance seems to be quite a bit more naïve in that regard. Keith doesn’t entirely understand why Lance isn’t just telling him to go fuck himself.

There is also a part of Keith that likes Pidge though. There is something about her that reminds him of Nyma’s biting sense of humor. Not similar in any other way-Nyma is flirty and outgoing and charming where Pidge is studious and cynical and keeps to herself. But, he likes Pidge. Maybe in some alternative universe they could have been friends. Not that it matters because Pidge hates his guts.

They make fun of him at trivia and Keith knows he deserves it. He accepts it as graciously as possible, realizing that he is, in fact, the dumbest person at the table. Pidge and Lance are both little geniuses. Hunk has some ridiculously complex major and focus that is somewhere in the engineering field. He may be able to compete with Rolo, the other boy, but probably not when he considers the type of people Lance and Pidge tend to befriend. Rolo also seems socially conscious, bringing up a protest he is organizing and, even if he is stupid, actually giving a shit about the world pretty much immediately places him above Keith.

So Keith deals with it. He isn’t there trying to be liked anyway. He doesn’t want to be friends with Pidge, who secretly makes him laugh. He doesn’t want to be friends with Rolo, who seems like a genuinely interesting person. He doesn’t want to be friends with Hunk, who Keith can already tell is absurdly kind.

He definitely doesn’t want to be friends with Lance, who can make his heart flip just by winking at someone else, not even Keith. He doesn’t notice how Lance runs his hands through his hair when he is thinking, or how his nose crinkles up sometimes when he laughs.

Keith has only one goal and he is dedicated to that goal.  

The growing ball of anxiety that had turned into a lead weight of sadness presses on Keith at trivia, nevertheless. He feels gross, knowing that everyone at this table is leading a more productive life than him. He basically plays football, fucks, and drinks lately. He knows everyone at the table probably thinks he is a loser and future burnout. What is worse is that he can’t even argue with their perception of him. Like, what exactly **does** he want out of life? Where does he see himself in 10 years if not a loser without even a football team to fall back on?  

He pushes it down though. He isn’t trying to be anyone’s friend or boyfriend. He just wanted Lance’s body. Just once.   

In the car afterward, they sing a pop song that Keith only recognizes because the cheerleaders play it at events sometimes. Lance is singing and dancing and a feathery feeling spreads through his chest. Keith finds himself taking ahold of Lance’s wrist, smiling at him. He wants to touch him, needs to touch him, but this time he isn’t thinking about hurting him or fucking him. Just touching. Lance looks startled, tensing, but not pulling his hand away. Keith marvels at how delicate his wrists are before finally letting go and looking out the window.  

 

**********

 

He gets Lance to meet him for coffee the day after trivia. Keith thinks the best way to get Lance to have sex with him is to get to know him better, get to know what he likes. Maybe Lance actually wants a connection with someone before sex happens.

He listens to Lance chatter about his life and his interests and feels strangely calm. He likes Lance’s voice. He likes the way he rambles. He likes how close they are sitting. He listens attentively to Lance, only to gather evidence, he tells himself. Only to try to figure this boy out. Keith doesn’t have much to say about himself. His life is pretty empty, so he doesn’t mind Lance filling the space between them with words.

He goes to the bathroom and comes back to see a very large, very attractive man sitting close to Lance. Lance is looking at him all starry-eyed, facial expression soft and gentle. He is smiling, rubbing his hands through his hair, and Keith recognizes exactly what he is seeing. In a moment, rage he doesn’t quite understand takes over him. It isn’t just rage though. There is a weird pinch in his stomach that he doesn’t quite understand.  He tells himself that he doesn’t care who Lance sees or fucks as long as Keith gets a turn too. He doesn’t. But he also does not want this man touching Lance. Now or ever.  

Before he realizes it, he is pushing Lance out of the way and physically putting his body between him and this other man with hair that is a tad too cool for where they lived. He puts his hand on Lance’s knee.

_Mine_ he thinks before shaking his head. _Not mine. I don’t want him to be mine._

The other man, apparently named Shiro, seems amused. It is infuriating. They have a short, awkward conversation and Keith is seeing red by the end of it. Shiro is a smug bastard, letting Keith know with a wink toward Lance that all he has to do is snap his fingers and Lance would be his.

The drive back to Lance’s apartment is equally as awkward. Keith almost blurts out the embarrassing “why don’t you look at me like that?” when he already knows the answer to that question. Because he is an asshole. Because Lance doesn’t like him.

He wants to rage at Shiro for being rude. It is obvious him and Lance are on a date. Except they aren’t. So there is no reason why Shiro is in the wrong. But…

His heart is beating fast and he feels panicked, anxious. He doesn’t understand his own reaction or why he is still upset. He hopes he appears calm, but on the inside he feels like things are getting out of control. He just wanted to have sex. If he had sex with Lance, then this could all end and he could go back to his normal life of banging randoms at parties every weekend. He could escape from Lance.

He goes for broke when they arrive back at Lance’s apartment. He gets close to him, breathes in the subtle smell of his body mist, makes it plain to Lance that they could go inside his apartment and enjoy each other’s bodies. He doesn’t even care how. He would let Lance do it to him since he figures Lance would be more comfortable with that. He didn’t know very many men who would say no to free, no strings attached sex.

But Lance slips away, slips through his fingers, slams the door in his face, leaves Keith gaping and confused.

I mean, he gets why Lance says no. It isn’t the right time. He jumped the gun a bit, panicking because Shiro seemed to be making a move. It doesn’t change that he really wanted Lance to say yes.

That night, he tries to masturbate, even imagining Lance and Shiro together (Keith isn’t blind-they are both beautiful) but he can’t get hard. He rolls over and goes to sleep frustrated.

 

**********

 

_Keith is in his bed and he isn’t alone. “Hey you, come here,” the angel that appeared in his bed holds out his arms. Keith moves forward, letting the arms cradle him. He feels safe._

_“Keith,” the figure murmurs his name, running his fingers through Keith’s hair. Keith closes his eyes, lays his head on his chest. There is a soft glow even with his eyes closed and he breathes in the gentle atmosphere. He feels nebulous and loose, like all the hard edges in life and inside him have disappeared. He can float, he can break boundaries, he is free._

_“It is ok. It will all be ok”_

_Keith half-crawls in the person’s lap (tan skin, lean muscle, blue eyes) letting the soft arms and gentle hands comfort him. He pushes into the warmth, lets himself go, opens himself to the warmth and love of the person before him. Everything is beautiful._

When Keith wakes up the next day, he pushes the pillow into his face and screams. It would have been better if he had a wet dream. He feels pathetic, miserable, knowing exactly what that dream meant.

 

**********

 

“So what are you doing with Anthony’s younger brother?”

_Don’t, Nyma_

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Keith.”

_Don’t_

“I just think he is interesting.”

_I don’t like him_

“Keith, you like him.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

_I might be crazy_

“You literally used stars to describe his eyes to me earlier.”

“I did not.”

_I’m scared_

“You did. He was happy about something and you said his eyes lit up like…”

“Nyma, drop it.”

_What am I going to do?_

“There isn’t anything wrong with…”

“I told you to drop it.”

_I’m an idiot._  
  


**********

 

“Holland, Davis, Matthews, 10 more laps. Rodriguez, come with me”

One thing that conveniently gets him closer to Lance is the football camp that Keith volunteers for every year. It is a football camp, but doubles as a mini big brother mentor system. It isn’t something that Keith would necessarily say is a natural fit for him, but for some reason he really takes to it. It is fun to play football with a bunch of kids. It is fun to help them get better at what they do. He also finds it surprisingly easy to interact with the kids. They tend to look up to him for whatever reason, probably a combined effect of seeming old to the 10-12 year olds and possibly seeming cool since he plays college ball.

Rodriquez, or Daniel, is a good kid, 12 years old and smart. Lately, he had seemed upset though, closed off from his usual open demeanor.

So Keith pulls him aside.

“So, what is going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing. Come on, I’m not a real adult you can talk to me.”

The boy fiddles with his water bottle.

“My girlfriend broke up with me for someone else.”

Keith wants to snort and then remembers all the anxiety, pain, and stress that type of stuff caused him when he was that age. I mean, sure, for him they were fake relationships, but Keith understands how intense everything feels at that age, how serious everything seems.

“Did you love her?”

“Sort of. It sucks to be broken up with.”

“It does.”

“I doubt anyone has ever broken up with you.”

“Of course someone has broken up with me.”

“Really?”

“Yep, dumped on my face. It sucked and it is fine to be angry and upset for a while. But, it just means they weren’t the right one.”  

Keith’s memories flick to Tom and he feels mildly embarrassed that he is comparing shacking up with a married guy for six weeks to something as innocent as Daniel’s experience with his girlfriend. He takes a deep breath and forges on.  

“Everyone gets broken up with at least once and it’s ok. It will be worth it once you find the right one.”

“What if I never find the right one?”

“You will. Trust me. You have a lot of life ahead of you. High school, college…you will meet so many girls. Cheerleaders. You will have your pick.”

“Really?”

“You have no idea.”

“I don’t want a lot of girls though.”

“And that is fine. You will find one you really like. You will find the right one and this other girl will just be a distant memory.”

“Have you found the right one?”

“Yes.” Keith grips his water bottle so tightly water comes out the top.

_Why did I say that?_

Daniel is smiling again so Keith lets him run ahead to catch up with everyone else while he fidgets with his water bottle for a little while longer.

 

**********

 

Keith still fantasizes about Lance on a nightly basis, but his fantasies rarely involve sex anymore.

 

**********

 

The Winter festival Keith attends with Lance’s family becomes an important date to him. It marks the last time he feels genuinely happy for a very long time.   

Being around Lance feels natural. Being around his family is enjoyable. He loves them. Even Pidge seems to be nicer to him this night. He feels comfortable, at ease.

Lance is driving him crazy, but not in the usual way. Keith has submitted to his fate and accepted the fact that he probably likes Lance. That he wants to kiss him. That he wants to hold his thin frame against his body and cuddle with him. He knows it isn’t meant to be, but can’t help feeling excited about it anyway. It feels good to allow himself to like someone. At the same time, he chastises himself for letting himself catch feelings, for letting himself get caught up in the game.

He wants to take Lance on the Ferris wheel. He thinks it will be something Lance enjoys. Keith would get some alone time with him. It is a win-win situation.

The Ferris Wheel is ridiculously romantic. The stars shine above them and the lights twinkle below. He is alone with Lance who looks amazing. He can’t help touching him. He can’t help pulling him close. He can’t help kissing him. Kissing him is euphoric. It is better than any other high Keith has ever chased.

Lance kissing him back is even better. Lance giving him a hickey is unexpected, but Keith loves it. He can’t help but feel like Lance is marking him, marking Lance’s claim over Keith.

Keith wants more, so much more.

When they get out of the Ferris Wheel, Lance slips through his fingers again, running away.

When Keith goes to bed that night, he doesn’t masturbate. Instead, he curls up in bed with a pillow thinking of Lance’s lips on him, occasionally touching the hickey he will make no attempt to hide. He dreams of the pillow being Lance.

It is one of Keith’s happiest memories.

 

**********

 

Keith’s life is basically like a game of Jenga where he balances carefully for longer than expected, but once one little piece shifts out of place everything collapses at once. He can’t tell what that wrong piece is exactly, but he blames Lance. Stupid Lance. Stupid Lance that Keith should have avoided. Horrible Lance that made Keith stupid.

Feelings are inconvenient for Keith. He starts to feel happy tendrils of emotions he thought were long dead inside him. He starts to feel hope. These are dangerous emotions.

Love does nothing but leave him vulnerable which makes the subsequent crash all the harder. Not having feelings means you get rid of the bad and the good. Accepting the good makes you more vulnerable to the bad.

Nyma goes to visit Lance without Keith’s knowledge. She means well and Keith knows this. She just wants to clear the air since Lance might still believe Nyma is dating Keith. When she tells him about it later, she has sad eyes.

_I don’t think he’s into you._

Her words cycle through his brain for days and he knows it. Lance didn’t even want to have casual no strings attached sex with him, let alone a relationship or friendship. He was stupid for thinking that someone like Lance would be into him. Lance had some fancy future awaiting him and would probably end up with someone interesting and successful and normal.

And from here, things escalate and escalate.

and escalate.

and escalate.

Once the first piece moves out of place, Keith is falling.

 

**********

If he had known that chasing Lance would ruin his relationship with Anthony, he probably wouldn’t have. Keith should have known better. Anthony worships his younger brother. Keith is just an asshole who wants to bang Lance in Anthony’s eyes and he isn’t entirely wrong with that assessment. It isn’t just Lance though that drives them apart.  

After the first year of college, a weird wedge had risen between them that Keith didn’t know how to fix. Anthony frowns at Keith’s behavior, his drinking, his sleeping around, his eventual slacking off from the football team. He tries to talk to him, but Keith isn’t having it. Sometimes it is hard to look Anthony in the eyes. Eventually, the wedge grows and grows until Lance comes into the picture. Then, the wedge breaks them, splitting their relationship in half.

Anthony confronts him one day, backing him into a bedroom and shutting the door behind him.  

“Stay away from Lance. I am serious. Do not speak to him. Do not touch him.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Yes, I can, when it comes to my younger brother. I will ruin you if you touch him.”

Weird distance between them or not, the threat hurts. He had always looked up to Anthony like a brother.

“Do you think I am not good enough for your brother?”

“I don’t think, I know. You aren’t good enough for Lance and never will be. So back off.”

Anthony had walked out, leaving Keith staring at the door closed behind him.

 

**********

 

It isn’t the best way to start a long vacation with his parents. Not long after the conversation with Nyma and Anthony’s threat, he leaves with his parents to visit his grandparents. It isn’t that Keith hates his grandparents or his parents; in fact, he quite loves them. But, he understands that this is about his parents fulfilling some duty rather than actually wanting to spend time with him. He barely spoke to them anymore. He spent holidays away from them. Sometimes he thinks about the days when they would go to the beach together or ride bikes and wonders how things had gotten so fucked up.

Except he knows why things are fucked up and it has to do with him. It is his fault and his parents spend most of the vacation telling him that, in subtle and not so subtle ways. He cuts his hair for them. They tell him to act “normal” which he knows is code for straight.  

But he loves his parents. He does. And he tries hard to act like the son they would want, the grandchild his grandparents would be proud of. He sits up straight. He makes conversation. He pretends like he is normal, that he doesn’t get drunk a lot, that he doesn’t cry in the shower sometimes.

That he isn’t empty.

He is exhausted when he gets back home, made worse by his parents immediately returning to ignoring his phone calls.

 

**********

 

He can’t take much more and, in a manner true to his life, the real coup de grace still looms before him.

He returns from his vacation from his parents to his house that he shares with Anthony and some of the other guys from school. Spring Semester is about to start and Keith had made a few decisions. He had already decided that whatever he is doing to Lance has to stop. No more texts. No more inserting himself into Lance’s life. He had lost himself for a while, but it isn’t his style to force himself on someone. He doesn’t want to make Lance uncomfortable or unhappy, at least not anymore now that he can be honest with himself about his feelings for Lance.

He realizes now that he has probably liked Lance for a long time. That he probably always did.

Keith is great at avoiding feelings. He prefers to avoid them rather than confront them. It is what leads him to bullying the person he likes to begin with. A part of him is relieved when he decides to continue to avoid his feelings, this time by avoiding Lance rather than bullying him. It wouldn’t be hard to avoid him since they live in different cities, particularly because Keith and Anthony aren’t close anymore.

Which is why it is inconvenient when Lance comes looking for him one night at the house.  

Lance is still every bit as beautiful as he was a month earlier. Keith tries not to look directly at him. He can’t stand how adorable he is. He touches his neck reflexively, still remembering the feeling of Lance’s lips on it.

Keith feels the lead weight of sadness pulling him down, making his body heavy. He shudders underneath it. In Lance, he can see what might have been if he was a better person.

He feels weird and vulnerable. He can’t handle Lance touching him, running his hands through his hair. He understands now that he is weak to Lance and always has been. It scares him.

He tells Lance what he thinks Lance wants to hear. He won’t mess with him anymore. He won’t force himself on him.  It is apparently the wrong answer.

Lance is angry at him, angrier than he has ever seen Lance. Lance has always seemed to just take and roll with whatever life gave him. Not now.

Keith is pretty aware of his faults, but Lance manages to find some that Keith hasn’t even considered. He throws them in Keith’s face and Keith can’t even fight back, not really. Because Lance has always seen him for what he is. Lance can see straight through him, right into the parts of himself that he thought he had hidden so well.

He is disgusting. He is so disgusting that he hurts people he likes. He pushes people away. He isn’t even worthy of his parents’ love.

The precarious Jenga tower that is his life collapses in front of a fiery eyed Lance, telling him exactly what he is.

Keith runs, quite literally. Everything Lance said is true. All of it.

There is a part of Keith that hoped that Lance didn’t entirely hate him or maybe even saw him as a friend. This delusion has been ripped from him along with many others. Of course Lance hates him. He always had. Why would Anthony stay by his side? Why would Nyma continue to put up with him? Why wouldn’t his parents ignore his phone calls?

21 years of life, and as he drives, he thinks about all the people in his life and then all the ones that would be sad if he disappeared and never came back. He thinks about those that would be happy with him disappearing. In 21 years, he has done nothing but bring pain to those around him, to those he cares about the most.

There is nothing inside him and the only person he can blame is himself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keith's theme song for this chapter is Lady Gaga's Sad Masturbation Anthem 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFeAVXyFBds
> 
> (This might also be my theme song :p )


	4. Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of Keith's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap this took me forever to finish. Since a month ago, I have updated another Parasol chapter, uploaded a smut extra, and written the first five chapters of a new fic so it has been a very busy writing time even if I haven't been posting a lot. I am hoping in the next week or so to upload the last Parasol chapter and start posting the new fic :) 
> 
> I had this song on repeat the entire time I was writing and editing this if anyone wants mood music ha ha-
> 
>  
> 
> [The Cure](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4IXxzioDAk)
> 
>  
> 
> I also have a question in the endnotes if anyone wants to help me out with something :)

The next few months of Keith's life are an endless muddled march of days. He has no concept of time. He eats popcorn for dinner every night. He forgets when he last showered. Waking up still drunk from the night before becomes a regular occurrence.

There are loads of men, but none that make an impression beyond nameless and faceless bodies in his bed. He tells himself that he will figure it out later, but for now he just wants to close his eyes and lose himself. It’s easier to give up this way, to forget.

Time passes, an endless procession of days that are only broken by a few unexpected texts and calls.

He doesn't know why Lance is trying to contact him. There isn't a logical conclusion. He thinks about it as he pops his dinner, movie butter this time. He thinks about it when he is going down on a guy he met at a bar. He thinks about it as he tries to go to sleep, the room spinning even when he closes his eyes.

He wonders if Lance feels bad for saying mean things to him even if they were true. He wonders if Nyma put him up to it. He wonders briefly if Lance wants to hurt him more, but dispels the idea as soon as he has it. He knows Lance is a kind person. The reason for contact wouldn’t be a mean-spirited one.   

His mom calls him just to tell him not to have his friends come over to the house. The way she says “friends” makes it sound like Keith sent a cockroach over to the house or something. He can only assume the friend is Lance from the description she gives. He cannot wrap his head around Lance actually caring enough to go to his house to look for him though.

Keith doesn’t call him back or answer his texts. What would or could he say? What could possibly come from talking to him now? It is hard to not respond though. Lance makes him happy, even if he knows nothing healthy can come from their being together in any capacity. Even if he knows he has been rejected.

*********

It takes a certain amount of alcohol to break his resolve. There is some guy in his bed that he doesn’t remember the name of. The guy had reminded him a bit of Lance, a similar complexion, similar body type. But he isn’t Lance. Not even close. It makes Keith miss him even more.

He doesn't entirely recall calling Lance, but the next day he remembers bits and pieces and wants to die. He remembers talking about the past, slurring things at the obviously uncomfortable Lance. _I hated your stupid smile_ he had told him when they both know at this point that Keith didn’t hate Lance at all. That the one he most likely hated is himself.

He assumes it is over. Lance had felt bad for saying mean things to him. He had apologized. There is no reason for them to have further contact, but Keith can’t help but call Lance again that afternoon. 

“Hey,” Lance says, sounding a bit out of breath.  

“Hey…what are you doing?”

“The elevators are crowded so I am walking up the stairs at school.”

“Oh.”

“Why are you calling?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?”  

“For being a drunk ass mess on the phone last night.”

“Oh.”

“Right.” Keith wants to drag this out. He wants to ask how Lance is doing or if he did well in that class he was worried about last semester or if he saw the new Power Rangers movie. But, he remains silent.  

“Ok…” Lance says.

“So, I guess I’ll go.” He wants to tell Lance that he hopes he has a good life. He wants to apologize for more than just being a drunk ass mess. He wants to explain himself more. But, Lance is obviously walking and around other people and Keith knows there is no point. So, he hangs up and assumes it is over for real now. That he might never hear Lance’s voice again. That his life would forever be without Lance in it.  

*********

Forever only lasts for about four more hours before Lance calls him back. A more perceptive person would probably understand that Lance misses Keith too, but Keith doesn’t. As far as he is concerned, Lance calling him beyond exchanging apologies is some miracle he would never be able to explain. That one phone call turns into a trickle of phone calls which turns into regular calls. It is a light for Keith, a ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds. He accepts what Lance is giving-bizarre phone calls where he mostly sits and listens to Lance talk about his day or his major or something he and Pidge had done. It doesn’t matter though. Keith would take anything Lance decides to give him, even if just phone calls. He doesn’t question why Lance calls him. He feels like questioning would make Lance disappear again like a mirage.

Lance tries to prod him into deeper conversations and Keith responds the best he can. He doesn’t like talking about himself. He wants to stay in this dream-like world of alcohol and Lance’s voice forever. He feels like he can die happy this way, curled up in bed, buzzed with Lance’s voice in his ear.  

At some point, it stops feeling like a dream and starts feeling real. Lance is actually confiding in him, telling him personal stuff about his life. They laugh together and watch anime together. Sometimes, it seems like Lance is flirting with him. Keith finds himself staying in and sober when he knows to expect a call from Lance.

They also talk about the past. It is uncomfortable and Keith wants to shut it down, but there is no turning back now. He loves Lance and realizes that he has to take Lance’s need to talk about it seriously.  Hearing Lance call out all of his bad behavior and plainly tell him that he didn’t love him is hard, but Keith is starting to understand that he hadn’t really done anything to make himself worthy of Lance’s love.

He asks himself if he has been a good anything to Lance and he really hasn’t. Not even a good friend or acquaintance.

He realizes that up until pretty recently he had always seen Lance as just a potential sexual partner. He objectifies him. He had never just tried to be his friend.

He is tired of it though. He is tired of hiding himself away and wasting his life. He is tired of popcorn and bars and loneliness. So, he makes a list of baby steps for himself to get his shit together. The list includes cutting back on men and booze, but also having conversations with, well, everyone.

He talks to his parents and tells them he is a gay man and that won’t be changing. If they couldn’t accept it, then they can’t be a part of his life. It is a month before his dad calls him back and dutifully avoids the subject matter, instead talking football with him. Keith resigns himself and talks about the Falcons with his dad for nearly an hour.  

He tells Nyma he loves her and thanks her for being there for him. She spends a few days with him after the conversation, afraid that it is a sign that he might hurt himself. Apparently he needs to tell her he appreciates her more frequently if telling her that scares her, Keith notes to himself.  

He meets with Anthony and gives him his basic entire life story that Anthony didn’t already know, the self-hate, his parents, his issues. He is honest and holds little back. He can tell that Anthony is not completely comfortable with the possibility of Keith and Lance being together in any capacity, but he hugs Keith at the end of their conversation and tells him that he missed him.

Keith thanks god for the Alvarez family and their ability to raise children who are willing to give second or third or fourth chances.

He also talks to Lance. He tells him everything he wants to know. He asks to be his friend because that is what Keith needs to do. He needs to see Lance as a person and not a conquest.

Lance accepts the offer of friendship. It is within a week that they get together for coffee. They see a movie two days later. Soon, they see each other all the time.

There are times when it kills Keith to hold himself back. He wants to hug Lance. He wants to kiss him. Lance is a naturally flirty person and it is hard for Keith to not act on that. But, he accepts just being Lance’s friend. He would rather be a friend to Lance than be nothing to him.   

*********

He is just at the point of feeling proud of his willpower and proud of himself for accepting being just friends with Lance when one frat party and a couple of rugby players unravel everything. He isn’t sure what exactly causes Lance to confess to him, to ask for more. Had the feelings been brewing for a long time? Did Lance get jealous when Keith danced with someone else? He will always be thankful for those rugby players in a perverse way for causing Lance to stake his claim on Keith. In a timespan of one hour, Keith goes from determined to be the best friend ever for Lance to kissing him gently in bed, wondering if he died and went to heaven that night and hadn’t realized it yet.

It is new territory though. He has never been in a real relationship. Furthermore, he has never really seen a healthy gay relationship. There is something that feels nebulous about it, like it should work differently. Keith wishes he had a map or guidebook of some sort. There is Nyma, but even she had never been in a relationship either.  

They continue their nightly phone calls while dating. Sometimes Keith stays up late at night after saying goodnight to Lance and considers breaking up with him. It seems easier, safer. He could go back to being himself. Lance could find someone who has their shit together. Lance deserves someone else, surely. Someone better. Someone who hadn’t already hurt him. He convinces himself to do it every night for the first two weeks of their relationship, even after a great first “real” date, even after he sees how happy Lance seems with him.

All it takes is hearing Lance say hi to him the next day for him to abandon his plans, but it still weighs on him like a dark cloud marring an otherwise sunny time in his life.

*********

“You are being a fucking moron, oh my god.” Nyma is sitting in front of her dresser. Her impressive amount of make-up is spread across the top and she has her hair clipped back. She is getting ready for a date that night.

“But why would Lance even want to be with me?”

“I have no idea to be honest. But, he made a choice. He made a choice and his choice is to be with you.” She spritzes herself with some body glitter. 

“Well maybe he made the wrong choice.”

“Did he? You are being such an idiot right now maybe he did.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t. Lance makes you so fucking happy. You get giggly about him, Keith. I didn’t even know you could giggle. You finally convince him to give your stupid ass a chance and then you are going to dump him?” She aggressively powders her face with something sparkly and brown.

“It’s better for him…”

“You don’t get to tell him what is better for him. Listen, I get it. You have issues. But, you have something with Lance and breaking up with him is only going to hurt both of you.”

“In the short run…”

“Or maybe longer.”

Keith shakes his head.

“Do you not think you deserve a relationship? Someone to love you?” She pauses, the brush still hovering over her face, and makes eye contact. 

“Maybe I don’t.”

“You do. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you happy with someone. Don’t act like you are considering breaking up with him for his own sake either. You are just a little coward who is probably scared of getting hurt.”

“Maybe you are right.”

“Seriously, if you fuck this up I will never forgive you. I am dumping you and going to Lance and Pidge’s side.”

“I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Then don’t”

“I won’t!”  

“That’s the spirit.”

Nyma hits him on the head with the make-up brush she is holding before turning back to the mirror.

*********

Whenever they hang out at Lance’s, they visit Kerberos coffee. The place is nostalgic for Keith now. He associates it with their first date even though that hadn’t really been a date.

While waiting one afternoon, he sees Shiro and his boyfriend (who Keith thinks is named Matt) walking back to the shop after having lunch elsewhere. He sighs, still mildly embarrassed about how he acted around Shiro. Now that he is thinking clearly, he can tell Shiro is a nice man and not the semi-predator he had been imagining. They exchange small talk while Keith notices how comfortable Shiro seems with his boyfriend. Shiro’s arm rests lightly around Matt’s waist. They finish each other’s sentences a few times. They share little smiles.

“How do you guys make it work?” Keith finally asks.  

“What do you mean?” Shiro responds.

“You know…being gay men in a relationship.”

Matt and Shiro look at each, concerned.

“It is just like a relationship between a man and woman,” Shiro finally says.  

“That’s a bit heteronormative,” Matt says lightly.  

“That’s not how I meant it. Look, it is just a normal relationship. You love each other. You support each other. You talk. You share your lives.”

Keith nods.

“Lance is a good guy…he deserves someone who is going to make him happy.” There is an edge to Shiro’s voice here. He wonders what exactly he thinks of Keith and what Lance or Pidge have told Shiro.  

“I want to make him happy. I love him.” Keith can feel the blush spreading across his face.  

“Then do it. Love him. Respect him. Support him,” Shiro says.

He makes it sound so easy.

*********

And in some ways, it is easy. It is easy to love Lance. It is easy to be around him. He is sweet and cute and cuddly. Keith could spend all day just curled up by his side, watching him study or design some machine Keith doesn’t understand. Nyma is probably more correct than she thinks with her observation that Keith is scared though. Being with Lance is scary.

Lance has a way of stripping him down to only the truth and not the carefully plotted image he had crafted so many years ago. Keith isn’t some bad ass or person who only wants casual sex. He isn’t as confident as he acts. He is someone who wants a white picket fence and family of his own but isn’t sure he deserves it. He wants to love and cherish the shit out of Lance, but worries Lance will get bored of him though and run off with someone more interesting.

He is in love with Lance and it terrifies him at the same time as it excites him.

Lance could hurt him in a way that no one else in his life could, but Keith hopes he doesn’t. He really, really hopes he doesn’t.   

 

**********

Keith’s new favorite thing to do is cuddle. Keith knows that he will never actually break up with Lance. He knows he is in this unless Lance decides to leave him. They haven’t had sex yet and Keith doesn’t care. He is fine just being close to Lance. Keith really could spend all day doing this, tangled up with Lance in bed. Lance has long arms that hold him close. They wrap around Keith and make him feel safe and warm. He feels at peace here. They press gentle kisses on each other, content to hold each other in bed for hours at a time. Sometimes they talk, but sometimes they just lay in silence.

In Lance’s arms, Keith is free. He can be anything. He can hold Lance’s hand in public and call Lance his boyfriend when talking to his parents. He can call the registrar and register for classes again. He can choose a career path. He can make friends. He can let go of the parts of the past that are holding him back. He can do anything. 

In Lance’s arms, Keith is finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you prefer relationships to be tagged in fics? Like, just the main romantic relationships? What about a friends with benefits situation but both characters end up with other people? Like, would you tag the FWB as a pairing?  
> I am probably over-thinking it, but my new fic is a little soap opera-ish and I am reading different opinions on whether every pairing in any capacity should be tagged or just the main one (which, let's be real, is always going to be Klance with me I will go down with this ship).

**Author's Note:**

> Lance and Pidge are my favorite characters, but damn Keith just brings out the angst/bad in me.  
> Also, some stuff in this chapter is supposed to be from an inexperienced, young boy's POV. So, not every boy (straight or otherwise) is sex-crazy or starting that young, but he thinks everyone is.  
> Also, some of his beliefs are, again, from a young person's POV-for example, in many, many studies children of LGBT+ people turn out perfectly fine or no worse than children from families with straight, cisgender parents. Keith's thoughts in this chapter aren't my thoughts or my beliefs, but rather something he is struggling with as a young gay person. I hope that makes sense.


End file.
